If I had another chance???

This is a question that always makes me ponder into an parallel universe and deep dive into a pool of alternative possibilities. Let me fore warn you, this is like quicksand… You will get pulled into it easily and the only way out of it is to calmly wriggle yourself out of it. Sounds easy??? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

There is no specific time or place to slip into these wandering thoughts, in cafe waiting for your order..In a traffic jam.. in the queue to the ATM, while brushing your teeth, whilst talking to someone.. it can be ANYWHERE! In a snap of a finger I can switch between thoughts. I’ve been told that I over think ALOT, which is a resultant of excess grey matter I suppose 😋 . But there is no end to the wandering mind.

I keep focusing on what I can do bigger and better. If I had another chance to deal with a situation, what would I have to do differently to get a different result. It’s not that am not content and happy with my current situation, bloody hell I am! There’s an itching thought of what if I did this differently.

They say if you want different results you should do something different each given try. It would be silly to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result!

There is a thought that is haunting me more of late. I’ve always been on the plump side of weight and have been happy the way I am. I fell head over high heels with a guy who I thought was ideal to share my life with. We loved each other like there was no tommorow, atleast that was what I felt like, but I guess reality was something else.

There was a condition kept in front of me to take this relationship to the next step. At that point I was willing to do anything to make this work and was willing to take any bullet. I guess love is different from reality. He said that he would love to take this to the next level but his mom wouldn’t agree cause am FAT! (Yes you read that right) I couldn’t believe what I was hearing but was ready to do anything just to be with him. After soaking my pillow with all my tears that night, I decided to go on a crash diet, skip meals, push myself to walk eight flight of stairs till my feet and legs went sore, lift heavy weights (accidentally dropped on my toes many a times). I was doing anything and everything possible to shed a couple of grams of weight! My family and friends could witness the craziness I was going through but couldn’t understand why. 

Then one day, as expected the pressure built sky rocket and I broke​ down in the supermarket at the cereals aisle(couldn’t have chosen a better location you see). There I was crouching and crying bitterly next to the trolley and people around me wanted to help me but didn’t know how. I myself didn’t know how to help me, forget anyone else. How did I let someone make me feel so ashamed of myself and belittle me in my own eyes?!?! I decided that enough is enough, I am who I am and if anyone chose to dismay me cause of the way I am or the way I look, then that reflects poorly about the other person and not worth it. Well you can figure what happened to that relationship!

The multiple times I’ve played and replayed this in my head wondering what should I have done differently so that I didn’t feel this way. If only I stood up for myself right from the beginning and didn’t let anyone body shame me. I know that that incident has left a scare on me which might take ages to heal and fade. My degree of insecurity has reduced, but I always wonder if I had another chance to deal with the situation, what best should I have done.

Don’t let anyone make you feel low about yourself. You are the best version of you and are gifted in multiple ways you can’t imagine. Tap the right line and let your confidence and happiness pour out abundantly. When you are happy from within it will surely reflect on the outside. Happiness is an inside job! ❤️

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